Artsy Lady's blog

White bird must fly

Well then, the time draws near to get off the fence.  And now it is only a matter of figuring out how.

White Bird

Airstream

I don't know that I have EVER really camped.  I LOVE a cabin in the woods, complete solitude, even an out door johnny house doesn't bother me.  Life with a generator and some propane... all good.  As long as I have a clean comfortable bed and a good shower - I'm fine.  And please God, don't let it be tooo hot! 

I never really camped when I was younger because of asthma and allergic reactions.  Believe me, an asthma attack on the back side of the wilderness when I didn't bring an inhaler and no drug stores can be found for miles in any direction... that's the very picture of misery!  It didn't help to be on an air mattress with a man who tosses and turns a lot.  On an air mattress, with a partner who tosses... that meant there were a few times when I was sort of *launched* because when he tossed - it tossed me!  Oh, and did I mention that a cloud came down out of the sky and landed on us making the air thick, wet and impossible to breathe?  That didn't help the asthma.  It was HOT.  And oh yeah, bugs.  LOTS of bugs.  I don't think I slept more than five minutes at a time and I really wondered if I would die from simply not being able to breathe.  All while my man slept as sound as ever, I woke him repeatedly, he'd grown and fall back asleep right away.  I thought I was going to die alone with a man beside me.  Wretched experience.   Memorably wretched!

Airstream1

This time, however... I would take an inhaler and I'd make a few other adjustments.  Like going alonI have the itch to get out there on the road and just go.  To leave everything that makes me feel safe and comfortable, as well as everything that makes me fell broken and restless.  And I have developed a fixation on the iconic American silver bullet - the Airstream.  I've been shopping and very nearly bought one on impulse.  It seems like such an irresponsible move, to just buy an Airstream out of the blue.  I've been responsible for so many years, and I'm so tired of doing what is expected of me.  I've toed the line, and these days I've gotten to wonder what that did for me.  Cause the promised benefits didn't materialize... (a happy marriage, a family, some accumulated stuff, maybe even some contentment, etc) so what else have I been told that will turn out to be wishful thinking?

I simply want to flee right now.  I want to buy an Airstream so that I have an out.  I feel hemmed in by my life and my commitments.  I have two little jobs that I do each weekday morning, in two hours I'm done with my work for the day.  That's ideal.  The rest of the time I *could* spend in my art studios - that is if I could find the grove right now - which has eluded me now for months.  I love my home, it's coming along nicely.  I've given both bathrooms and the kitchen a complete face lift and they are charming and artsy and I love them!  The bedrooms look good and I'm working on the family room and the living room.  I painted a few walls in the living room last week and will continue with more of that this week.  I've got the biggest best house I've ever owned.  I love living on the golf course because feels like I have a yard that stretches on for 200 acres, but the man only mows a small square of all that.  It's got beautiful views, the dogs do well here, and it's very quiet.  It's the perfect degree of seclusion for me.  I love this place, and yet... it has no power to bring joy or contentment into my life if I can't find that for myself.  I feel tied down, hemmed in, uncomfortable, antsy, restless... and contentment seems like a distant memory.

VicStreet_Air_Stream

It's like I'm looking to the Airstream to find my way out.  I want to flee.  And yet, spending money on an Airstream right now, is just plain crazy.  But I could live in it without it costing me much at all if I needed to.  And having an "out" like that would help me feel a little less antsy about where I'm going to live and what I'm going to do if I decide to leave my known life for an unknown version.  I don't know if I could handle the isolation of traveling the open road in an Airstream, all I know is that I feel pulled that direction by nearly overwhelming forces that I don't understand.  It's simple, I want out.  And I think an Airstream would help me feel like I had a way out.  A plan B, so to speak. 

If I found one for a good price, could I make the needed updates to the thing myself?  Could I understand enough of the systems of the thing that if something broke, that I could fix it?  Do I even have the strength needed to set up a travel trailer?  There is so much I don't know.  And maybe I need to let go of the dream long enough to understand why I feel this need to flee, and deal with the cause rather than the symptoms. 

Oh to be young and free.  And since I can't be young... I'd settle for free.