Artsy Lady's blog

Two Weeks

I left him two weeks ago today.

It’s beginning to sink in, I’m realizing how much I was living in survival mode.  I couldn’t stop and feel things cause it would make me unable to function.  So I shut down on many levels.  Now I’m starting to feel again, to *feel* the reality of living with a man who somehow arrived at a place where he could no longer love me.  A man who used to love me, a man I shared a life with for 20 years.  I’m beginning to realize it was a bit more than a failure to love me… there was an awful lot of really hurtful stuff.  And yeah, that hurtful stuff... hurts. 

I see it like a stack of badly stacked bricks that were getting far higher than I realized.  Each brick was a harmful word or slight, none of them big in themselves.  I could no longer do anything effective to shore up the pile and at any moment that whole thing was going to cave in on me… at any moment.  And I was blind to the danger of the situation… I was simply in survival mode.  Simply trying to get around all the bricks, feeling so trapped and frustrated.  Dear God, I’ve never seen so many badly stacked bricks or felt so small, broken and vulnerable.

Shut down!

Focus!

Survive, damn it!

If he would have just hit me, those bruises would be healed by now.

I’m out, I am free now.  My bruises don’t show but I’ve started to really *feel* them.  I guess my heart is past the shock stage, and I’m beginning to feel the sensitive places that hurt when I move.  Yes, it hurts.  It’s a pain that says “I’m alive” and “I am safe now.”  Pain is an integral part of the healing process. 

Here I still am, I am still saying it’s ok, I can do this.  But this time I’m not saying I can endure something I probably shouldn’t be enduring… now I’m saying I can endure something that I should endure… because this stage will not last forever.  A better day is possible.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that a better day is THIS ONE.  The one I’m living right here, right now!

Two weeks.  And a whole range of emotions.

I’ve done it.  And I’m glad.

This was the right choice.

No doubt.

yeah.

Gratitude.

Me time

It's been a long weekend but a good one.  I spent the time holed up in my apartment. 

Friday afternoon I went to see "Eat Pray Love," it was a bit much for me, I'm too close to my own separation to really be able to see hers play out for entertainment.  The scene with her on the roof working out forgiveness of her ex-husband was really rough on me.  I wished I had the theater to myself for that part, but I was there with my friend.  All of that was easy enough to read in the book in the privacy of my own home (and I suspect I read that part of the story before I left my husband) but the movie was really in my face.

How do you forgive someone for failing to love you when they said they would?  Especially when it's the person who knows you best in the whole wide world?  There is at least one question that surfaces: Am I really so unlovely?  I suspect it wasn't about me at all, but this sort of thing does shake a person.

Later after the movie my friend and I went to dinner and she spent a considerable amount of time on her blackberry writing an email.  I was not impressed by her manners, her lack of planning ahead combined with her allowing the perceived urgent thing to encroach on our time together... plus the fact that I rarely see her because she's so crazy busy... it made me feel like she wasn't really present for the time I was spending with her.  I've had enough of that in my marriage, I don't need it from my friends.

Then her husband joined the two of us and things only got "better" from there.  He's an opinionated, crass and cynical person.  She scolded him once for flirting with me in front of her, and while I didn't realize he was doing it that time though at other times I have been very aware of what he was doing.  It never fails, he has to use the word "penis" in front of me.  I think it's a compulsion.  Plus, I know he's bad with money and that makes their life together pretty rocky.  So generally I'd have to say he's a bit too much for me.  To know that he'd be on the worship team Sunday at their latest church... (they've been through lots of churches since I met them) didn't endear me to the invitation they extended to a congregation that is just starting up.  Even though he called it "a church that is trying not to suck..." and that's high praise.  Or something.

Saturday I got up late and had a "to do list" in mind.  But I only did the parts that involved staying at home.  I finally put a chicken in a pot and made stock, and later I made polenta.  The food all turned out to be good, which is nice because I'll be eating it all week.  One aspect of being newly separated is that the food sticks around so much longer, so... I can either freeze most of it or just plan on cooking once a week or so.  Good thing I cook what I like... but still... there is only so much of one thing a person can eat.  I made a pot of something I didn't name out of two T-bone steaks, orzo, jalapenos, cherries, onions, garlic, red wine and some fun spices Friday and then ate some it every day for a solid week.  It was wonderful but... every day?  I'll learn new ways of cooking, it's just going to take some time. 

This morning I woke up in time to go to church but just didn't have it in me to go somewhere and face another group of strangers again.  I dozed in and out and finally ended up getting out of bed around 10:30.  I decided to make a quiche since I had a dozen eggs and a pie crust.  I preheated the oven then heard a bizarre noise and looked inside the oven to see the element in the bottom on fire.  It wasn't a flame fire, it was a buzzy sounding glow in the element... so I suspect that it's dead dead doornail dead.  I'll call landlord in the morning to see what can be done about it.  (Flash back to the meltdown I had earlier over the brand new range I bought earlier this year that is in HIS kitchen while I deal with this piece of crap range)  So... plan B was to make a 3 egg omelette with green peppers, squash, bacon and good cheese.  I didn't expect to eat the whole thing but I sure did.  It was good.

Later I saw something on twitter about "how to get your vision back."  It was a sermon from Rick Warren at Saddleback Church:  http://saddleback.com/internetcampus/live/index.html and I ended up listening to it twice this morning.  There was so much faith building stuff in there, it felt like a really timely message for me.  I took some notes so I could keep a handle on the reminders.  It was encouraging and I appreciated it.

I think this season of my life has stripped me of just about everything.  I left my man, the dogs, the house... and I guess the last few years of survival mode had a way of sucking the vision out of me.  I don't think I've got much left to lose at this point.  (That's kind of liberating)  But it was a matter of counting the cost, these were my choices, no doubt about that.  Nothing was taken from me, I gave it all up.  There's a difference.  To give up nearly everything for a chance to be loved again... somehow... someway... sounds dramatic but I doubt it's all that uncommon.  I've been in survival mode, pure and simple.  And maybe... just maybe... that message touched a note in me that can call forth some of the Lazarus within.

I wrote down a few of the visions I've had over recent years, like finishing up that book.  I still have the rough draft I put together last year.  And there are few other projects that are also close to my heart.  Maybe now is the time to take a look at some of that.  I have imagined a "book tour" of the country with me in an tripped out Airstream... taking my time to explore this amazing country of ours.  Hey... a woman can dream! 

So... it is good to consider things like that amidst trying to figure out how to live this new solitary life.  I don't suppose it's all that much more solitary, but the scenery is sure different.  Good thing I like my little apartment.  I'm going to get my art studios squeezed into this apartment, somehow.  (Or maybe just have a really big yard sale!)  The needed answers will come on that in time. 

I think it's been a needed weekend, a good time to recharge my batteries with a little quietness.  And any bit of loneliness or grieving that is behind me means tomorrow can be a better day.  So here's to vision and hope for a better day.

Peace

I'm going to go see Eat Pray Love with a friend tomorrow, she's the one who gave me that book to begin with. I think, there were a number of things that book did for me.

It made me feel like I wasn't the only one who didn't want her life consumed with husband and children - emphasis on children. We had planned to adopt together, spent $five figures$ on the process... but I ended it. In the end I knew the marriage wasn't strong enough to add children. And when I finally had the courage to face it I realized that there was a part of me that never wanted children to begin with, or... I wanted children but I wanted other things more.

The book also gave me a feel for some of the things I could be facing if I left him. There is one chapter where she speaks of loneliness as if he's a house guest who has arrived without an invitation and won't leave. So I knew it was coming. And in some way, I think I made peace with that before I even left the man. It's like I knew I would need to face the loneliness and that was part of the price I was going to have to pay if I chose to leave him. I was willing to face that for the potential gain on the other end. So I've seen some lonely evenings, fair enough. It's part of the process. I'm not going to fight it. (I'm not going to embrace it either, don't want that house guest just hanging around in here!!)

And... she speaks of David, her first lover after her marriage. I don't know if I can put this into words or not, but I believe that after such a long term relationship there are ways a woman hurts that may not be all that apparent on the surface. There may be sensitivities or insecurities rooted in the way the long term love treated her. And it's as if the man who comes after that long term thing may come with a kind of healing power that's pretty remarkable. It's as if he's able to touch those sensitive places and bring some restoration, simply by being loving in the wake of something she found painful.

I saw this on a small scale in college. I got into a traumatic situation where I had to physically fight off a man who was trying to overpower me after I kissed him. Some time later a man came along who kissed me, and it was a safe and loving thing and it became a healing thing for me, I needed that. It made it possible for me to grow into a more loving and trusting woman, to express affection with a little less fear.

These days... many years later I'm rebuilding after a long term love. In recent years my libido and my husband's didn't match. I wanted sex much more than he did, I was actively approaching him... and going away empty And after a while I got tired of being turned down. I would do things to try to get his attention, to arouse his interest... but failed. While it may have been a physical thing he didn't have much control over, I realized later on that the repetition of this rejection had done some real damage to my spirit. I began to feel unlovely, undesirable, unwanted. I learned to be "always on" just in case he would show interest.

I did lots of research in the hopes that I could learn some creative technique of making sex so amazing for him that he'd find me irresistible. Unfortunately, while I was spoiling him rotten, all I got was further confirmation that I was indeed VERY resistible. Damn it! (I learned some great stuff I hope will come in handy again one of these days.)

Little rejections, even if one tries very hard not to take it personally... when they begin to stack up... create an atmosphere of rejection that begins to strike pretty deep. I lost 20 pounds, I am about 5 pounds from the weight I'd like to be. I rocked my skinny jeans this week! I love that! I began to pay more attention to caring for myself... it didn't help with hubs but it helped me to feel better about me. I work out, I'm stronger now. I've talked about these things with my shrink at length and understand that there may be some medical issues beyond his control. It's possible that this wasn't as much about me as I feared. The fact that he was unwilling to speak to a medical professional about things didn't help.


There have been some men in the last year and a half who told me I'm attractive. I'm 41 and I still get carded, it happened just this week! I recently took my hair ultra short and sometimes complete strangers will stop me and tell me my hair is cute. I have been approached by dear friends (yes, plural) suggesting we take our friendship to a new level once I'm free. Last year a man got a pretty exceptional crush/obsession with me that was very flattering. Though he was married and it didn't go real well, I have not forgotten that he found me attractive. Twice this week I've gotten men at work flirting with me. The guys I work with treat me like I'm some kind of princess, they are SO SWEET and I adore them. Wolfie reached down to kiss my cheek last evening, sometimes he tells me I SHINE. I love that! And through this difficult season, my male friends have held me in a hug just a little longer, just a little tighter... I even got a rise out of one dear friend when he hugged me, he was trying to hide it but when it's that big it's hard to hide. Talk about making my day! Heck yeah! I've just been soaking it all in. These men have done something for me. They've helped me know that I'm not quite as undesirable as I feared. Some men might even think I'm kind of cute. It's repair work, restoration of a wounded place in my heart. And I'm really grateful.

I'm really grateful for that book. I ended up reading a chapter of Eat Pray Love each night as I was wrestling with my decisions about my marriage. The timing of it seems more than coincidence. It helped me understand that I wasn't alone about no longer wanting children. It helped me anticipate the loneliness that was going to come. And I learned from her relationship with David. And in general, Eat Pray Love helped me know that I was not alone in the things I was facing. I loved the book, I'm going to love the movie, I will take tissues. I am very excited about seeing it with my friend who put the book in my hands to begin with. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I can feel it!

I am grateful!

I am putzing on the computer instead of napping... not sure that's my best choice but I'm afraid that if I sleep now that I won't be able to sleep later tonight.

I talked with Sheila some today, told her that leaving him and living alone wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. She said she never had a "OMG, what have I done?!" moment. She was sure before she started, she knew it was what she had to do. I can identify with that. It's early yet, no point in congratulating myself or anything. There are other parts that will be difficult. But right now it's not so bad. Better than I expected anyway, and I think I'll count that as a blessing!

I need to spend some time and money on my studio. Somehow I have to condense the various art studios in my old house into this one spare bedroom. Somehow. I guess I'll need to be packing some things away for the year that I live here, maybe a storage unit will be needed at some point. I'm just tired of going over there after work to get things for the studio. I'd really like to learn to go home to my place instead.

However, it is nice to see the girls each day. I had a moment with each of them today, a snuggly border collie moment. Neither of them are real snugglers so it was pretty amazing to see them come up and cuddle with me. I do miss them... but not enough to bring them home with me at this point. I think I'll miss Misde more than Hope in time, I was there when Misde was born and she's always been such a sweet animal. Hope and I have locked horns over the years so many times, I have scars from the places she bit me. She and I are connected, but on a very different level. I love them both but think they are where they should be for now.

And so am I. I am exactly where I need to be right now.

And grateful.

I’ve been separated one week and one day. I really thought this would be harder, I thought there would be more tears. I thought it would hurt more. Yeah, it hurts and I’m lonely and all the usual stuff… but… *looks around and considers her life a moment…* I’m actually doing pretty damn good! I have made it. And I don’t plan to stop making it any time soon.

Thank you for listeni… uh… reading.

Thank you for reals.

I burned the bacon this afternoon. I’ve been hungry for BLT for days now, finally got around to making bacon in the oven this afternoon. I had it in the oven for a half hour, it wasn’t quite done so I left it a bit longer. Before long I’m smelling it, so I went to check it out. There was smoke curing around the edges of the foil and I pulled off the top to gaze down at BURNT bacon. VERY burnt, ultra crispy, completely SMOKED long skinny briquette bacon.

The kitchen filled with smoke and I turned on the fan over the range but it’s just a recirculator fan, it doesn’t actually take the air outside. Then the smoke made it around the corner to the fire alarm and that thing let out an ear piercing shriek. I ran and opened the front door to let some of the air out (and the flies in) the smoke alarm started another round of shrieking. I don’t know when I’ve ever wanted a baseball bat so badly!!!

My neighbors are prolly all poised over #911 wondering if the idiot downstairs is the kind of woman who would burn water if she tried to cook. I am NOT an idiot in the kitchen, damn it!

I sat down and had a little pissy party of my very own. At my house I had a brand new state of the art range that cost me some ugly pennies and some pretty ones, vast quantities of them. And then I remembered the washer and dryer that are at the other house while my laundry piles up here at my apartment. I need a washer and dryer in the apartment and I just want a set for a year so I’m not going to go buy new ones. And I can’t afford to spend much on such things because I really don’t know exactly what my expenses are going to be right now.

I’m just so angry that I’ve found myself in this place at this time of my life! I want to fly screaming at him “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME!” pounding on him for all I’m worth. What a dramatic little fantasy! (And yeah, I know this isn’t all his fault - but come now - this is my self aggrandizing little tale, let me tell it my way!) I had a sad little frustrated angry cry… then it passed.

That’s the good news. The pain passes, grief comes and goes.

God, this stuff is hard. I know I’m in the right place, this is my chance to grow up and grow into my own skin more fully. And it hurts some along the way. But it’s all temporary. I’d rather have this lonely frustration than live in that battlefield. I’m just vexed that it came to this.

Wretched… but I’m on the path to a better space.

And I’m on the path to the kitchen (dang it!) where I will get (dang it!) another package of bacon (dang it!) out of the freezer (dang it!) and thaw it (dang it!) and try this again (dang it!!)

BECAUSE I WILL HAVE A BLT!!!!

Sooo... Beautiful!

I love this sort of music!