It's been a long weekend but a good one. I spent the time holed up in my apartment.
Friday afternoon I went to see "Eat Pray Love," it was a bit much for me, I'm too close to my own separation to really be able to see hers play out for entertainment. The scene with her on the roof working out forgiveness of her ex-husband was really rough on me. I wished I had the theater to myself for that part, but I was there with my friend. All of that was easy enough to read in the book in the privacy of my own home (and I suspect I read that part of the story before I left my husband) but the movie was really in my face.
How do you forgive someone for failing to love you when they said they would? Especially when it's the person who knows you best in the whole wide world? There is at least one question that surfaces: Am I really so unlovely? I suspect it wasn't about me at all, but this sort of thing does shake a person.
Later after the movie my friend and I went to dinner and she spent a considerable amount of time on her blackberry writing an email. I was not impressed by her manners, her lack of planning ahead combined with her allowing the perceived urgent thing to encroach on our time together... plus the fact that I rarely see her because she's so crazy busy... it made me feel like she wasn't really present for the time I was spending with her. I've had enough of that in my marriage, I don't need it from my friends.
Then her husband joined the two of us and things only got "better" from there. He's an opinionated, crass and cynical person. She scolded him once for flirting with me in front of her, and while I didn't realize he was doing it that time though at other times I have been very aware of what he was doing. It never fails, he has to use the word "penis" in front of me. I think it's a compulsion. Plus, I know he's bad with money and that makes their life together pretty rocky. So generally I'd have to say he's a bit too much for me. To know that he'd be on the worship team Sunday at their latest church... (they've been through lots of churches since I met them) didn't endear me to the invitation they extended to a congregation that is just starting up. Even though he called it "a church that is trying not to suck..." and that's high praise. Or something.
Saturday I got up late and had a "to do list" in mind. But I only did the parts that involved staying at home. I finally put a chicken in a pot and made stock, and later I made polenta. The food all turned out to be good, which is nice because I'll be eating it all week. One aspect of being newly separated is that the food sticks around so much longer, so... I can either freeze most of it or just plan on cooking once a week or so. Good thing I cook what I like... but still... there is only so much of one thing a person can eat. I made a pot of something I didn't name out of two T-bone steaks, orzo, jalapenos, cherries, onions, garlic, red wine and some fun spices Friday and then ate some it every day for a solid week. It was wonderful but... every day? I'll learn new ways of cooking, it's just going to take some time.
This morning I woke up in time to go to church but just didn't have it in me to go somewhere and face another group of strangers again. I dozed in and out and finally ended up getting out of bed around 10:30. I decided to make a quiche since I had a dozen eggs and a pie crust. I preheated the oven then heard a bizarre noise and looked inside the oven to see the element in the bottom on fire. It wasn't a flame fire, it was a buzzy sounding glow in the element... so I suspect that it's dead dead doornail dead. I'll call landlord in the morning to see what can be done about it. (Flash back to the meltdown I had earlier over the brand new range I bought earlier this year that is in HIS kitchen while I deal with this piece of crap range) So... plan B was to make a 3 egg omelette with green peppers, squash, bacon and good cheese. I didn't expect to eat the whole thing but I sure did. It was good.
Later I saw something on twitter about "how to get your vision back." It was a sermon from Rick Warren at Saddleback Church: https://saddleback.com/internetcampus/live/index.html and I ended up listening to it twice this morning. There was so much faith building stuff in there, it felt like a really timely message for me. I took some notes so I could keep a handle on the reminders. It was encouraging and I appreciated it.
I think this season of my life has stripped me of just about everything. I left my man, the dogs, the house... and I guess the last few years of survival mode had a way of sucking the vision out of me. I don't think I've got much left to lose at this point. (That's kind of liberating) But it was a matter of counting the cost, these were my choices, no doubt about that. Nothing was taken from me, I gave it all up. There's a difference. To give up nearly everything for a chance to be loved again... somehow... someway... sounds dramatic but I doubt it's all that uncommon. I've been in survival mode, pure and simple. And maybe... just maybe... that message touched a note in me that can call forth some of the Lazarus within.
I wrote down a few of the visions I've had over recent years, like finishing up that book. I still have the rough draft I put together last year. And there are few other projects that are also close to my heart. Maybe now is the time to take a look at some of that. I have imagined a "book tour" of the country with me in an tripped out Airstream... taking my time to explore this amazing country of ours. Hey... a woman can dream!
So... it is good to consider things like that amidst trying to figure out how to live this new solitary life. I don't suppose it's all that much more solitary, but the scenery is sure different. Good thing I like my little apartment. I'm going to get my art studios squeezed into this apartment, somehow. (Or maybe just have a really big yard sale!) The needed answers will come on that in time.
I think it's been a needed weekend, a good time to recharge my batteries with a little quietness. And any bit of loneliness or grieving that is behind me means tomorrow can be a better day. So here's to vision and hope for a better day.