I left him two weeks ago today.
It’s beginning to sink in, I’m realizing how much I was living in survival mode. I couldn’t stop and feel things cause it would make me unable to function. So I shut down on many levels. Now I’m starting to feel again, to *feel* the reality of living with a man who somehow arrived at a place where he could no longer love me. A man who used to love me, a man I shared a life with for 20 years. I’m beginning to realize it was a bit more than a failure to love me… there was an awful lot of really hurtful stuff. And yeah, that hurtful stuff... hurts.
I see it like a stack of badly stacked bricks that were getting far higher than I realized. Each brick was a harmful word or slight, none of them big in themselves. I could no longer do anything effective to shore up the pile and at any moment that whole thing was going to cave in on me… at any moment. And I was blind to the danger of the situation… I was simply in survival mode. Simply trying to get around all the bricks, feeling so trapped and frustrated. Dear God, I’ve never seen so many badly stacked bricks or felt so small, broken and vulnerable.
Survive, damn it!
If he would have just hit me, those bruises would be healed by now.
I’m out, I am free now. My bruises don’t show but I’ve started to really *feel* them. I guess my heart is past the shock stage, and I’m beginning to feel the sensitive places that hurt when I move. Yes, it hurts. It’s a pain that says “I’m alive” and “I am safe now.” Pain is an integral part of the healing process.
Here I still am, I am still saying it’s ok, I can do this. But this time I’m not saying I can endure something I probably shouldn’t be enduring… now I’m saying I can endure something that I should endure… because this stage will not last forever. A better day is possible. In fact, I’m pretty sure that a better day is THIS ONE. The one I’m living right here, right now!
Two weeks. And a whole range of emotions.
I’ve done it. And I’m glad.
This was the right choice.