Artsy Lady's blog

Church effort #2

I visited Staunton Mennonite Church this morning, I walked over, it took maybe 5 - 10 minutes and I got a little hot on the way, but hey... I'm kinda hot most of the time.  LOL!

Hmm... short and sweet... all over in an hour, not what I'm used to but I have got no problem with that.  The people seemed nice, they spoke to me kindly and everything!  (snerk)  Pastor was away and an EMS seminary student spoke, haven't heard that kind of sermon for a long time.  A social justice component and I actually paid attention.  There were less than 50 people, a very small chapel, very simple.  All in all, aside from not knowing a soul... I'd say that was a pleasant experience.  Loved singing the old hymns, two of them I knew from my childhood.

I might actually go back to that one.   

Last night was difficult in Studio B, the hubs sent me a letter that I got just before bed time.  I had a little Elizabeth Gilbert puddle-of-tears kind of moment on my bedroom floor.  Took a while to get to sleep.  But I woke up to the sunshine streaming in and the knowledge that somehow I will get through this.  It's only a matter of time.

Just put one foot out, shift weight onto that foot... repeat.  Funny, doesn't SOUND difficult.

Ahhhh.... Thank you Glen Beck!

Never thought I'd ever say anything nice about or to that raving lunatic, the bombastic Beck.  There is a first time for everything though!

I am home alone, done nothing but what I wanted to do Allllll day.  I slept in, worked out, worked on my hair's dark roots then had a lovely shower.  I enjoyed dying a bunch of fabric, which took up ALL the kitchen counters. 

Then I made pizza on the grill.  I've never done that alone before.  LOVED it!  Made two pizzas and ate one right up!  I will admit that I had a moment thinking how nice it would be to share that with someone, cause that stuff is GOOD and I kinda like it when people taste the food I make and rave over it.  Heck, if someone served me that I would rave over that and think they were THA BOMB!  And yeah, I'm a hopeless affirmation junkie. 

Can I simply say: "THANK YOU" to my husband for being gone today?!  Why was he gone?  (Bet you are wondering where Glen Beck comes into this story?)  Hubs is in DC, he drove tour bus for a bunch of people to the tea party protest.  (not his politics or mine!)  Yeah, that's SOOoooo funny!  Thank you Glen Beck for getting my husband out of the house!  *wicked laughter* 

Now... I've got a few other things on my list today.  Let's see... take a nap, trim my hair, make part of my hair PINK, read a book... maybe even manage to give myself a pedicure.  All that in perfect peace and quiet.  Ahhhh...  it's like a lovely spa day of my very own.  Thank you Glen Beck.  Thank you SO MUCH!!!

Daylight!

I had made an appointment with a pricey lawyer about a 40 min drive from here, her first available was mid October.  MID OCTOBER!

I made a call this afternoon and found one in my town for tomorrow.

Ah yes, this is good. 

This is VERY good.

I'm going to get some answers to questions I have.  Pardon me while I go make some lists now. 

I just saw daylight, and I LOVE IT!

Learning to be Single, Step Two

Going to the theater alone...  I saw a production of Arsenic and Old Lace tonight at Oak Grove which was my first solo theater experience.  (I think, not entirely sure though.)  Though, I doubt it really counts since I had four or five friends in the cast and knew at least two people in the audience and some of the production crew.  And it's such a great outdoor theater, always packed and always a lovely evening.  I've done makeup for so many shows out there that it feels like a second home to me.  So it's hardly a surprise that I'd end up going alone, hubs rarely came along.  That has always been a place I've had kind of to myself.  And since I have comp tickets it's never difficult to find a date.  Rachel went with me last time and we really enjoyed the last show.  And I did makeup and hair for the show before that.  Three of my friends went with me to a show this weekend, that one was Hairspray and they did a great job!  I knew lots of people in that cast also. 

So... Step two of being alone has gone very well.  The cast did a great job, I loved it!  But I'm not sure this one counted because I did know people there and I know the venue so it wasn't a big deal.  But I loved it, it was fun and the cast did a great job and all is well.

So, my lovely single or used-to-be-single friends:  Suggestions on step three of being alone?

Limbo Again?

One of the themes of the adoption drama was the fact that I got so tired of living in limbo.  For all of the 2.5 years we were in that mess, I hated the limbo.

Well kids... I asked him to leave.  And he has refused. 

How about another round of LIMBO?

I have five professional art studios in this house, so if I leave... I lose the ability to earn a living from my work until I can find studio space and living space and get both set up.  This pretty much takes me down for the count financially through the end of the year.  (Product has to be made now for the holidays.)

Secondly, our agreement in our marriage was that we'd live in his income so I have no recent work history, the three jobs I work now are all contract work.  (so I get a 1099)  I don't have a credit card.  He sometimes decided not to pay my education loan for a while, without telling me... so I have some marks against me on my credit report.  So... I'm not going to be able to buy a house, I may not even be able to get anyone to rent an apartment to me. 

It sure looks like he's intent on taking me down financially.

I gave some thought to living out of my van but he sold it.

If you've been praying that I'll be reconciled with this man, stop it!  I wouldn't mind seeing the relationship restored at some point, but not the marriage.

My friends tell me he's going to wait me out, knowing that I'll sacrifice the stuff before I sacrifice myself.  I've given some thought to asking my parents if I can stay with them for a while, there has been only absolute silence where their offer of hospitality could have been.  Nobody wants to get in the middle of this, I understand.  But I am SO TRAPPED.  I wanted to do this like an adult, be all strong and keep it clean.  Now I don't know what to do and I am feeling REALLY frustrated.

I kinda feel like an early chapter out of Eat, Pray, Love without the $200,000 advance on the book I have yet to write that will make me a household name... after I spend a year traveling.

I'm still working out, I'm still eating right.  I'm still trying to stay positive.  I'm working three jobs and trying really hard to keep my shit together.  Honest to God, I have been so worn down from the years through the adoption process and stuff within the marriage that I feel like I don't have much in the way of reserves to draw on. 

I just know that this sucks.        

Being Alone, Step One

So... the first adventure in returning to single status is to find a church.  I gave him custody of the old one, they weren't much for women doing stuff... so I figured I could find one that likes women in more than supportive roles.  I checked out Cornerstone of Augusta, only they weren't meeting at their church building this Sunday (glad I looked) they were having their service in the park.  Which is good because the church building says HUGE and IMPOSING to me, and I'm a little scared of it.  Plus it's a 20 min drive, passing a few dozen churches on the way and that kinda irks me.  And the park property is my next door neighbor so this morning I walked the golf course around to the gazebo stage and entered their little world.  I looked around for someone I knew and came across a guy who usually goes to my church.  He was playing hookie and saw church in the park and stopped to watch.  I moved on from there and chose a spot under a nice shade tree and got comfy.  I must have sat in the "I'm here because Mama made me come" section or something, saying they were "low key" would have required them to rise to that level.  I felt for the worship leader, she was working but the audience didn't seem to be helping much.  The music and message came to one hour (wow! short and sweet!) and was fine.  Nothing spectacular, nothing particularly interesting.  A woman I went to school with passed me and gave me a hug.  She had to leave early to take her son (tall handsome kid standing behind her) to soccer.  Another woman welcomed me and gave me a bottle of water with info about the church attached.  Otherwise I didn't make much contact with the "because my Mama made me come" people around me.  The service ended, I picked up my stuff and took the long way home.  I was really sweaty by the time I climbed the stairs to the main floor of my home and headed straight for the shower.  Well, task one of learning to be single is underway.  Yuck.  

Trying

I am trying...

...to stay strong.  Yeah, I have private lonely times when I feel how shattered my heart is and the tears come, that is as it should be.  Just trying not to let the passion with which I want him to leave... make me mean and cruel.  I bite my tongue, I decide NOT TO SAY SOOOOoooo freakin much!  There are facebook updates I don't make, even though I imagine them.  I'm trying to exercise some self control!

I'm trying...

...to be thankful.  There are so many precious people who have been so kind to me in the last two years as I've been sorting out what choices I need to make.  There are friends who have listened, and believe me, that's the best gift anyone can give.  It helps the load feel a little less heavy.  And honest to Pete, I've gotten some great advice and encouragement when I needed it.  Kudos to the best friends a woman could have.  I am seriously very blessed!

I am trying...

...to savor the small things. 

I hula hooped today, I actually got the hula around my waist over 1000 times before I got tired and quit.  That's my record!  I did 500 the other day!  I'm getting better at that and I'm really finding it to be such a fun little thing.  I haven't made it into a "hafta!"  It's a "get to" and I'm enjoying it.  And I read that hula hooping burned 600 calories in an hour, can you believe that?  I have such good memories of learning to hula with brand new friends at Floyd Fest, that will stand out as a precious memory for a long time. 

My body is getting stronger, I can do more sit-ups and push-ups and I can run stairs now.  My body is feeling good and I really love these sensations of power within!  For some reason I touched my arm the other day.  There is a real bonafide muscle under there, I was actually so surprised that I laughed out loud!  Yeah, that feels good!  I savor the strength that is returning.  I feel good about the decision to improve my health.  I'm sticking with it.

One of my three jobs is janitor.  I don't talk about it much, but the truth is that silly little job earns me more in a half hour each day than I even made as a jewelry designer charging my full rate for a full hour.  I went with Boss Man to pick out a new vacuum, I chose it, he bought it, no squidging even!  Wow!  No more fighting with the old machine that had two strategic broken parts that made vacuuming a battle.  The new machine is a dream!  I cleaned out the cart and removed all the stuff that didn't need to be on there and restocked it with the right stuff.  New vacuum, clean new cart, this is all good.  It's the small things. 

Richard gave me a beautiful tomato from his garden.  I stopped by the store for bacon and bread and came home and roasted the bacon in the oven and when it was done I toasted the bread and had a BLT with a huge slab of that amazing tomato, toasted bread, mixed salad greens, mayo and FOUR PIECES OF BACON.  And when I savored the first one... considered the other slab of tomato staring back at me from the cutting board... I DID IT AGAIN!  Yep, it was an eight strips of bacon kind of lunch.  (But that's ok, cause I hula'd.)   Charles told me to switch out the greens for basil.  So the next day that's what I did with another big tomato.  And somehow that was even better!  I stopped at one, but what a delight it is to eat something that wonderful and savor every bite!   

I was waking up the other morning and started to think about how I use my bedroom.  I always got in and out of my bed on the same side, on MY side.  But since I work out and stretch for a bit in the mornings, it makes more sense for me to exit out the other side.  As a matter of fact... I've started sleeping in the MIDDLE of my bed.  And that feels really positive.  Sure, I'd rather have someone sharing my bed, but not without an emotional connection.  For a long time I was willing to have just the warm body with no connection, I think that may have done me more harm than good.  Now I am savoring having the whole thing with all my pillows just for me.  It's a little sad to think that being alone would feel so good... but on the other hand... being alone FEELS SO GOOD!  Don't knock it, cause soon enough I will be longing for the warmth of a loving man.  Right now, having the bed to myself is wonderful!

I'm beginning to feel the urges to get back in the studio again.  I don't mean the overwhelming pressure that I HAVETA get something done or else I won't make any money this year... I mean that once I've got the house to myself, I believe the mojo will be there for me to get back to work. 

So I will keep on trying to stay strong, to stay grateful and to savor the small things.  And somehow I'll get through.  No way around but through, and so...

here I go.      
 

Rose...

IMGP1313

There's a rose in a fisted glove

And an eagle flies... flies with a dove

Overheard inside my head:

My computer went "non-responsive"

I suddenly felt like I was married to it.

=)

I wish...

...that I knew myself a little better.  Some days it feels like I just met me.  Who is this person I'm becoming?  I suspect that I haven't been entirely honest with the shrink, or even with myself.  "Yeah," I said, "I'm willing to work at this."  I know that's what I'm supposed to be saying, but is it true?  Would I really be getting ready for this transition if I felt it was going to be reversed soon?  No, I don't think so.  I am... spirit, soul and body... exhausted, and just simply tired of trying.  And have no hope that change will come.  Nope, none.  Zippo.  Nada.  Believe it or not, I have made peace with that.

A friend sent me an article I found a bit interesting.  It talked about being compassionate to yourself.  And just for a moment on the way home today I thought about what it meant to be compassionate to myself.  If someone else were going through this, what would I tell them?  An example presented itself right away.  I was thirsty, but I wanted to just suck it up and make the drive home... (40 min drive) then I realized that if it were anyone but me, I'd suggest that they were thirsty because their body had a need and they should pay attention.  So I actually stopped and got something to drink.  Such a simple thing, but it made a difference.  Instead of ignoring my own needs, I took care of myself.  How long have I been ignoring my own needs?  Is this something I do a lot of?  I should go look in the mirror just to see if this is still me?!

Shrinky got on my case for allowing my husband's anger to control me.  It was a "growth edge."  I had to ask what a growth edge was, I guess these guys don't always realize that they speak in code us normal folk don't always get.  Basically a growth edge is an area for improvement.  (Well duh, just say "area for improvement...")  I suppose a stronger more balanced woman would say to herself, "If he wants to freak out, that's going to have to be his problem, my world doesn't have to be shattered by his lid flippin."  Now there's a revolutionary idea.  His anger is his problem. 

Seriously, how did I "know" this and not "get" it?  I've known that on some level for a very long time, how is it that I'm just now realizing that just because he chooses to react doesn't mean that I'm causing his reaction?  It's HIS CHOICE.  O Gawd when I think of all the eggshells I've walked on...

I'm done with eggshells.  Maybe it's time to kick some freakin eggs.  (don't worry, your back yard fowl are safe, I have no interest in harming any cute clucks or quacks) but I'll tell ya... wouldn't it be fun to do a performance art thing with eggs?  And BIG BOOTS!!  Holy Crap!  Imma gonna need a photographer and a friend to hold my chocolate martini!  I wish Bekki were here!

Ha! 

I do amuse myself!

(somebody's gotta!)