...that I knew myself a little better. Some days it feels like I just met me. Who is this person I'm becoming? I suspect that I haven't been entirely honest with the shrink, or even with myself. "Yeah," I said, "I'm willing to work at this." I know that's what I'm supposed to be saying, but is it true? Would I really be getting ready for this transition if I felt it was going to be reversed soon? No, I don't think so. I am... spirit, soul and body... exhausted, and just simply tired of trying. And have no hope that change will come. Nope, none. Zippo. Nada. Believe it or not, I have made peace with that.
A friend sent me an article I found a bit interesting. It talked about being compassionate to yourself. And just for a moment on the way home today I thought about what it meant to be compassionate to myself. If someone else were going through this, what would I tell them? An example presented itself right away. I was thirsty, but I wanted to just suck it up and make the drive home... (40 min drive) then I realized that if it were anyone but me, I'd suggest that they were thirsty because their body had a need and they should pay attention. So I actually stopped and got something to drink. Such a simple thing, but it made a difference. Instead of ignoring my own needs, I took care of myself. How long have I been ignoring my own needs? Is this something I do a lot of? I should go look in the mirror just to see if this is still me?!
Shrinky got on my case for allowing my husband's anger to control me. It was a "growth edge." I had to ask what a growth edge was, I guess these guys don't always realize that they speak in code us normal folk don't always get. Basically a growth edge is an area for improvement. (Well duh, just say "area for improvement...") I suppose a stronger more balanced woman would say to herself, "If he wants to freak out, that's going to have to be his problem, my world doesn't have to be shattered by his lid flippin." Now there's a revolutionary idea. His anger is his problem.
Seriously, how did I "know" this and not "get" it? I've known that on some level for a very long time, how is it that I'm just now realizing that just because he chooses to react doesn't mean that I'm causing his reaction? It's HIS CHOICE. O Gawd when I think of all the eggshells I've walked on...
I'm done with eggshells. Maybe it's time to kick some freakin eggs. (don't worry, your back yard fowl are safe, I have no interest in harming any cute clucks or quacks) but I'll tell ya... wouldn't it be fun to do a performance art thing with eggs? And BIG BOOTS!! Holy Crap! Imma gonna need a photographer and a friend to hold my chocolate martini! I wish Bekki were here!
Ha!
I do amuse myself!
(somebody's gotta!)
[this is good] I'd come! I have too many egg shells I've been walking on too. I'd so hold your martini.(P.S. There is a restaurant in Elkhart called Stirred. It's a martini and sushi bar. So very good. They have these spiced Chai martinis that are to die for. You and I must go while you're here)
Posted by: Ginger_sister | 08/10/2010 at 04:58 PM
[this is good] Perfection!
Posted by: Artzy Lady | 08/10/2010 at 07:47 PM
I love the idea of Eggy art! with BIG BOOTS! :o) Sounds like fun!
Posted by: blond_sister | 08/11/2010 at 05:55 AM
*volunteers to be the photographer*
I've taken so long to get here. I've been a lax neighbor for ages. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. :(
Posted by: LittleOddMe | 09/26/2010 at 06:25 AM